The Enigma that is Abbey

Ah, my precious Abbey. She will never fit into someone's cookie cutter mold...

 

Where else would you see a princess ready to play football??

  

Or a little girl that loves to watch "The Three Stooges" with her Daddy?

I've always thought you had to have testosterone to enjoy Moe, Larry and Curly!

She marches to her own beat in so many ways. She seems so confident, so self assured, yet there are times when she is incredibly vulnerable. So vulnerable that it breaks my heart. I wonder about the scars she bears from her past. She seems to have accepted her brother with no hesitations. Then out of the blue, she will look into my eyes and say, "You're my mommy?"  To which I reply, "I sure am, I love being your mommy!" Then she throws out, "You're only my mommy."  I know that she's referring to Elijah, little does she recognize that there are 4 others sharing my mommy love.  She shows her emotions in ever so vague ways. She has gotten a little better at vulnerability, but she definitely doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. Then there are times when things break through. Today was such a day. 

We have had issues with Abbey sleeping for quite a while. She has trouble going to sleep and is up with the sun. It's not that she is not tired, she will fall asleep in the car just fine. (She's strapped in and can't move). There are times when I just hold her down and usually she will fall quickly to sleep.

But, this afternoon, when I held her down, she absolutely lost it. She started screaming and crying and fighting me for all she was worth. I just held on tight. I could tell this was more than just, "I don't want to go to sleep" This was deep down something. I needed to hold her and I kept telling her I loved her and she was special. Finally she calmed down. I asked her what was wrong, why she was so upset. This part made me cry... she kept trying to get the words out, but each time she would get choked up and the tears would clog up her throat.  I sat there holding her, stroking her face and crying along with her. Finally she got the words out-

"When you leave me, you'll have someone take care of me?" 

Oh, my, the light bulb went off in my mind. She's afraid I'm going to leave while she's asleep! It suddenly made sense why every night when I put her to bed, she says over and over, "I'll see you in the morning." (She says it as I leave her room, and then yells it to me as I get to the bottom of the stairs).   How can I convey to a 3 year old that unless God calls me home, I'm never going to leave her?  That I love her more than life itself?  That she is a precious gift from God and neither He nor I will ever forsake her?? I don't think I can, but today I started trying. I went on and on about how I'd never leave her. I explained that, yes, I do have to work, attend meetings and such. But, I would always return.

We don't know exactly how old she was when she was abandoned. But, I've read that week old infants recognize their mother's smell. I believe she still suffers the scars of being abandoned. Oh, how that hurts my heart! I wish I could take away the circumstances of her past. Doggone it, deep down I wish I had given birth to her. Not that it would make me feel any different towards her, but it would save her this pain. A pain that will probably be with her a long time. A pain I wish I could take away. But, I can't. So we will muddle through this together! We will recognize that the little girl who doesn't act like anything fazes her, actually has many insecurities.  We will pray for God to heal her wounded heart. We will pray that she will recognize how much she is loved and wanted, and what a joy she is to our lives. Even when she only sleeps until 6 am in the morning!