Friday, December 16, 2011

You'd think I'd have it down by now!

This is a line from one of my favorite songs, "Clumsy" by Chris Rice. You can hear it here.  The next line is, "...been practicing for 30 years." I could apply this song to many circumstances in my life, but today, specifically, I'm being convicted over my lack of desire to let my children go.

Daniel has returned from Jr. Nationals and, although not as fast as he wanted to go, he did achieve best times. He also was able to talk to one of the coaches that has been contacting him. This school is one of the larger programs that has been interested in having him join their swim team.

Getting in the car to go to the airport

Monday, he received a call from one of the coaches from this University saying that Daniel has been accepted and because of his grades,  he would be able to get in-state tuition. While in the preliminary stages, Daniel is excited at the prospect of swimming for a large school.

Woo-hoo!! Right? Umm, not so fast, the thought of one of my babies going to school a good 10 hours away from home, makes me want to throw up!! My heart just wrenches.

It's far from certain at this stage, as there is a closer school that is going to make him an offer next week. Sooo the plot thickens.

But, as I told John, I must prepare my heart in case he ends up going far away from home. As I think about the prospect, preparation involves picking my sinking heart up.  My mind starts the "what ifs".  What if he gets sick and needs me? What if he gets involved in the wrong crowd?  A million other "what ifs" go through my mind. Of course, none of these are good "what ifs". Added to these "what ifs" is the fact that I just plain enjoy being around this young man. When he was gone to Texas, I really felt his absence. He's really good at sharing his thoughts and what's happening in his life with me.  (That being said, it's not just Daniel, it's all of my kids; and it's not just far away places. I found tears in my eyes when Anna moved her stuff out, and she only moved 3 miles away!)

I'm aware, from inside my pity party, that the situation could be a lot worse. He could be possibly going across the country or to another country. So, I do acknowledge that there are a lot of mothers who, appropriately so, would think I'm just being ridiculously silly.

But, that doesn't excuse me. As I fret and tell God how He needs to protect and guide my children, I hear that still small voice say, "Whose children?" To which I, being properly chastised, reply, "Oh, your children."  Once again, I'm reminded that they are given to us by God and they belong to him. I know that, but I constantly find myself holding them out and saying, "I give them, their decisions and accolades to You and Your glory." Then five minutes later, I'm figuratively taking them back. That's the part of the song, "You'd think I'd have it down by now" that I identify along with this line, "I slip and I knock my halo loose." Hey, my halo is full of dents!

I must constantly remind myself that He loves them more than I do and has a plan for their lives. A plan that may or may not be close in proximity to me. They are just on loan to me. Their lives are to be to His glory, not my comfort and enjoyment.

So, on my journey, I chalk this up to a lesson learned (almost) and try to let go and trust God. We, along with Daniel have both prayed for the Lord to show us where He would have Daniel go to school. I need to rest in God's power and sovereignty to lead Daniel.  And then, I just need to put on my big girl panties and be happy with wherever God leads all of my children!

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for reminding me whose children they are. I have been doing this a long time, like you but still struggle. When will we get it right? I am so blessed to have you as a friend so we can walk some of this together! See you soon, Jody